For today’s NaBloPoMo I’m going to share an important life update, that will likely trickle into subsequent blog posts.
In January this year, I separated from my husband and partner of 12 years.
Out of respect for both of our privacy, I’m not going to share the reasons or say very much about what’s happening between us. The only things I do want to say are:
- I married the most wonderful person and nothing that’s happened in the past year has changed my mind about that
- this has been the saddest and most challenging year of my life so far
I met James when I was 22 and moved out of my Dad’s house and in with him. We grew up together, and we learned how to do life together.
For the first time, I find myself navigating finances, run-of-the mill life stressors, and good, bad and ugly days, all by myself.
My days and weeks are punctuated by unexpected waves of grief that come in an array of shapes and sizes: anger; despair; confusion; apathy; misery; joy that sometimes feels inappropriate; guilt; longing; exhaustion. I have days where tears take over and I can’t do anything at all, and days where I feel something close to normal.
My friendship circle has expanded and contracted, with my support network moulding itself around events and emotions as needed. Some of the most important people in my life today are people I didn’t know a year ago.
I’m not the first person to go through this, and I won’t be the last, but I believe there is a uniqueness about the way each of who goes through this experiences it, and I’m no different.
I can feel it changing the cells of me. I’m shapeshifting, and becoming a new person I don’t recognise yet. I’m learning which parts of me to take forward and which ones I need to leave behind.
I haven’t felt ready to share this publicly yet but I do now. This year has changed me, and I don’t know how to be anything other than open about that.
I look forward to being a bit more transparent now about some of what’s been going on.
And in every sense of the words, if you’ve made it this far, thank you for sticking with me.